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Tuesday, May 09, 2017

The Truth About Myself - Part 3

Before I go ahead with Part 3 of "The Truth About Myself", I just would like to comment on something first.  What I post in this blog is my own personal thoughts about various things that come through my head.  I'd say that 90% of these thoughts are pop culture related (hence the name - A Pop Culture Addict's Guide To Life).  The other 10% are personal tales.  Some of which are good memories.  Some of which are not so good.  But that's the way that life is.  And I will not apologize for posting whatever I feel like posting on this blog because it is my personal space to do with whatever I like to. 

Some people might not understand it, but getting my feelings out here is very cathartic, and I feel much better letting it out.  Now, I realize that this may not be for everyone, and I totally get that.  There's hundreds of other entries that you can read instead.  In fact, there's a search bar at the top of the blog just below the logo that you can use to locate any blog topic you want.  Chances are that if you are looking for it, I've covered it. 

But please do me a favour.  If you don't like a post, just skip over it.  Don't leave me any negative comments or call me names.  I do have the right to remove any comments that I feel are less than constructive, and I plan to exercise that right and exorcise the trolls from this space if I so choose to.  I like the fact that this is mostly a controversy free zone where people usually get along with each other, and I want to try and keep it that way.

Thanks for understanding.  

So, in the first part, we talked about brain structure and spectrums.  In part 2, we talked about social dysfunction.  Now let's talk about love.

I know, I know...bad transition.  But since I'd rather preach love than preach hate, I suppose it kind of works.

Love can be a many splendored thing.  It can also be a many stress filled thing.  And depending on the type of person you are, you can see love in a variety of different ways.

There are the ones who see love through the eyes of Michael Bolton.  The glass half full types who think love is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

There are the ones who see love through the eyes of the J. Geils Band - the ones who are so bitter about love that they want to pop ever heart shaped balloon and poison every box of heart shaped chocolates because in their eyes, love stinks.  Trust me, I've been there before. 

But then there are people (and I do include myself in this mix) who see love through the eyes of the band Foreigner.  The ones who think that love is a confusing emotion that they don't understand.  Some choose not to understand it while others are desperate to unlock its secret.

But no matter what, the general view of Foreigner love is - they want to know what love is.  And they want to be shown it.

But what happens when your experience with love makes you feel more confused about what it's supposed to be?  Then your ideas about love can get pretty complex. 

I know they are for me.  And while there are some truths about myself that I don't quite understand, I can tell you this.  Love is a four letter word that I find extremely hard to define because I feel as though I'm not capable of showing it.

Well, at least on a romantic level.

I mean, sure, we've all had our first kisses before.  I know I remember mine, and it was quite nice.  But since it's rude for a guy to kiss and tell, I'll keep that to myself.  Same deal with anything beyond kissing because let's face it.  Nobody really cares about that stuff.

But I do have to admit that when it comes to love, I find it harder to explain than quantum physics.

You know that movie "Inside Out"?  The one where you have the five emotions that transform memories into multicoloured marbles that represent either anger, joy, sadness, disgust, and fear?  I don't think any of those emotions represent my feelings about love because I don't have any.

I mean, for me, Valentine's Day was always just another day on the calendar.  I mean sure, we exchanged cards that had Disney characters on them and we choked down those chalky conversation hearts that had slogans on them begging someone else to "BE MINE".  But I didn't really understand or care about stuff like that.  I just wanted the free candy and the Donald Duck cards.  Nowhere in my brain did I equate Valentine's Day to romantic love.

And here I am, all these years later, and I feel as though the microchip in my brain that processes romantic love has been damaged.  Perhaps I was born that way.  I can't say for sure.  The one truth I know is that I haven't fallen head over heels in love with anybody romantically.  I don't know if I ever will.

And the funny thing is...I'm perfectly fine with that.

I mean, I'm not going to say that it might never happen.  I was always taught that you shouldn't ever say never to anything.  There could be a time in which I do feel my heart go a flutter whenever someone I'm interested in getting to know better.  Truth be told, there are some cases in which I've had crushes that have ended up becoming really good friendships.  But at this point in time, I think that I don't really want to search for it.

Nor do I really want it to find me. 

I think one of the truths that I've learned about myself through this period of self-discovery is that I don't really need to have romantic love in my life to feel like a person.  For some people, love makes them feel fuller.  For others, love drains them into emptiness.  But I'm at the point right now where I'm like this.  I'm almost 36.  I'm not in love with anyone yet.  And that's okay.  There's no textbook that tells you when you are supposed to fall in love by.  Hell, I could be 86 before I feel it.  Again, that's absolutely fine.  And while in my younger years, I saw it as being anything but normal - these days it's almost become cool to not rush into relationships.

Well, unless you're a contestant on the Bachelor or Bachelorette.  Something I will NEVER do, by the way.

There's no pressure to fall in love, get married, and have lots of babies.  I'm nowhere near that phase in my life.  I'm at the point right now where I really don't know if having a spouse or having children is in my future at all.  I'm not ready financially.  I'm not really mentally.  I'm certainly not ready for it right this second.  Again, I'm okay with that.

Besides, I think there was something I heard someone say one day.  For some reason, I keep wanting to think it was a famous scholar, but it very well could be RuPaul.  I always get those two mixed up.  Anyway, the idea is that someone said "if you can't love yourself, how can you love anyone else"? 

I'm getting there.  For someone who understands what love is in a family and friends sense, I'm already at that point.  And I believe that Whitney Houston sang that learning to love yourself was the greatest love of all.  Certainly a lot more profound - and a lot less squeamish than a certain single by the Divinyls (though let's face it, that song was quite good).

Sometimes I think that love can be overrated.  But it's also something that makes the world go around.  It's better than like.  It's infinitely better than hate.  But love can be so elusive to find, and so rare that for some it's almost not worth pursuing at all. 

I think it is...but not for me.  Not yet anyway.  And if it happens, it happens.  If not, I'll survive.

I'll get by with a little help from my friends.  Speaking of which, that's what Part 4 is all about.  The truths I've learned from friendship.

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