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Monday, April 13, 2015

Seven Ways To Destroy Chocolate - At Least In My Opinion

This is a statement that I am not denying in the slightest.

My name is Matthew, and I am a chocoholic.

Seriously, I cannot get enough of chocolate.  If I can, I will eat at least a little bit of it every day as long as I live. 

In fact, I can remember what one of my very first experiences was with chocolate.  While my parents have told me that my very first taste of chocolate was through a "Jersey Milk" chocolate bar, I seem to remember "Junior Mints" being a very huge part of my childhood.  Plain M&M's were also a huge part of childhood snacking, and I have yet to resist the irresistible combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

Reese, I'm looking at you for fueling my PB&C addiction here.

Chocolate is one of the reasons why Easter, Halloween, and February 15 are my favourite days of the year.  Easter and Halloween because of all the chocolate that is available, and February 15 for all the chocolate that is 50% off!  Take that, Valentine's Day lovers!!!

However, while I have a love affair with most chocolate treats, there are some chocolate confections that I would not touch with a thirty foot pole.

While it is difficult for me to find ways in which chocolate would forever be ruined, I have found seven ways in which doing this to chocolate would guarantee that I would not eat it.

Now, keep in mind that this is merely my own list of personal tastes.  You may agree with me on this one.  You might also disagree with this list as much as you want.  Believe me, I like hearing from you.

So, here we go.  The seven things that will forever ruin chocolate for me.

1.  Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Chocolate covered strawberries might just be one of the greatest inventions ever made in the confection world.  It could even be used as one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world.  Seriously, chocolate covered strawberries can be a necessity when your mood is flavoured with passion and intensity.

Or, so I've heard anyway.

There's just one problem with chocolate covered strawberries that ruins them for me.  I'm allergic to strawberries.  You pop one of those things in my mouth and believe me - it's anything but sexy.

2.  Chocolate Covered Cherries

Or, maybe I just have something against dipping fruit in chocolate to begin with.  Chocolate is delicious on its own.  Cherries are one of my favourite fruits in the whole world.  I can eat a whole bag of fresh cherries from the produce department in one sitting.  Therefore, I should be able to enjoy cherries covered in chocolate, right?


I don't know what it is about chocolate covered cherries, but I find them absolutely disgusting.  Maybe I'm thinking of those Queen Anne cordial cherries that one might get at Christmas, but I can't do it.  Chocolate and cherries are a horrible flavour combo for me to digest. 

Though if you had apples or bananas at the chocolate fondue fountain, those I could do.

3.  Chocolate and Coconut

Sometimes you feel like a nut.  Sometimes you don't.  Almond Joy has nuts.  Mounds don't.

But you know what both Almond Joy and Mounds have?  Coconut.  And do you know why I will never eat an Almond Joy or Mounds bar?  Coconut.

Now, I think in the case of coconut, it's definitely a texture thing.  I can drink coconut milk without much problem.  I can do a little bit of coconut flavour in tropical blend yogurts and fruit juices. 

And yes, I do like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

But take tasteless, chewy, haystack like shredded coconut and cover it in chocolate?  Yeah, you can have it.  I don't want it.

4.  Chocolate with TOO MANY NUTS

You know, I have a love-hate relationship with nuts, and much like coconut, it is a texture thing.

I've already mentioned how much I love peanut butter.  But surprisingly enough, I can't stand peanuts themselves.  It sounds strange, I know, but I don't like the texture of peanuts, and for the most part, I tend to avoid chocolate bars that have a huge supply of nuts - with the exception of Snickers, as the caramel and nougat overpower the taste and texture of the peanuts inside.

But a Pay Day bar?  Can't do it.  An Oh Henry bar?  Again, can't chew it.  And don't even get me started on that disgusting "Eat More" candy bar, the bar that is more nutty than chocolaty.  Eat More may very well be the one candy bar that makes me eat less.

5.  Chocolate Covered Marshmallows

I've never really been a marshmallow fan to begin with.  Sure, I used to eat Lucky Charms cereal for the marshmallows, but that was when I was seven and my taste buds were bland.  Now that I'm older, I don't really like marshmallows all that much (unless they are part of a S'more or a Rice Krispie Square).  And while marshmallow eggs, pumpkins, and Santas are top selling candies for Easter, Halloween, and Christmas, they aren't a favourite of mine.  Again, it's not that they taste bad...just that it wouldn't be my first choice in how to enjoy chocolate.

6.  Making chocolate TOO dark

I once made the mistake of believing that baker's chocolate was just as tasty as the kind of chocolate bars that you would find at a candy store.  You know, those little blocks of chocolate that you would use for brownies, chocolate pies, and drizzle for chocolate cakes?  Well, don't do it.  Baker's chocolate is about as bitter as chocolate can get, and one bite of that stuff soured me on chocolate for all of four minutes.

(Well, that's how long it took my mom to bring out the good stuff anyway.)

Now, I'm not saying that I am totally against dark chocolate.  I do like Hershey's Special Dark and I am still bitter that Cadbury made their Caramilk Dark bars for only a short time. 

But those Lindt chocolate bars that are 70% and 85% real cocoa?  Yeah, that's one way to turn me off chocolate.

7.  Chocolate Covered INSECTS

Some countries have these as a delectable and rich confection.  I will NEVER try one.  For obvious reasons.

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