The Bastardization of Christmas Past Songbook - Part I

On the eighth day of A POP CULTURE ADDICT'S ADVENT CALENDAR, this blogger gave to you, a FUNNY MONDAY post about Christmas songs!

Okay, well, I tried to make a musical interlude but for whatever reason it didn't sound very good.  Oh well.  It's not supposed to.  And that's the whole idea behind today's blog post!

But I have a bit of a confession to make.  This blog post has actually been in the works over the last...oh...five years or so.  Impressive, given that I only began this blog three and a half years ago.

You see, this is the time of year in which you hear Christmas carols all over the place.  You hear them on the radio stations.  You hear them on the street.  You hear them when you go shopping at any store during the month of December.  And when you work retail as I have done over the last ten years, it is not uncommon to hear "Jingle Bells" performed by dozens of artists in dozens of interpretations.  Can you believe that they even did a reggae version of that Christmas song?  It's too much!

No, seriously.  It's too much Christmas carol saturation.

Now, this doesn't mean that I don't love singing Christmas carols.  I enjoy a good wassailing session as much as anyone, even if I do sing off-key.  But when you hear Christmas carols all day every day, it can get to be a bit much.

In fact, non-stop Christmas music gives me bad thoughts.  Evil thoughts.  Homicidal thoughts.

So, when you have thoughts like those, there are only two options that you could do to make them go away.  Create sick and depraved versions of Christmas classics and sing those instead, or beat up an elf with a life-sized candle.  And, I am almost positive that the latter choice would have me spending the holidays in the slammer.

So, let's go with the first choice.  Making song parodies of Christmas carols.  I've been coming up with song parodies for a while now.  It began with simple choruses five years ago, but has evolved into full-blown songs.

And I would like to share some selections from "THE BASTARDIZATION OF CHRISTMAS PAST SONGBOOK" with all of you today.

Fair warning though.  These are just the song LYRICS that I will be posting.  You do not want to hear me sing.  Ever.  But if someone wanted to film themselves singing these songs and post them on YouTube or something like that, I would find that to be amazing.  Just don't forget to credit yours truly as the author of said song parodies if you decide to do exactly that.

Now, I don't have room to post all of them at once, so I think I'll do a two-part series, with part two being posted next Monday. 

Have fun with these!  I know I sure did.

IT'S THE MOST STRESS-FILLED TIME OF THE YEAR

It's the most stress-filled time of the year
Kids screaming and yelling
It's less than fulfilling, I need an Advil
To get through the stress-filled time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest season of all
With a cold in my nose 
And my frostbitten toes, it seems like a bad dream
But it's not-not and it makes me want to scream

Oh the parties you can't stand
With people so bland
And the fruitcakes you cannot digest
Forced to see all the dozens
Of annoying cousins
And their kids who are nothing but pests

It's the most stress-filled time of the year
Oh our uncle's so drunk
He took out the tree trunk cause he spiked the egg nog
Can't wait to post the pictures on my blog

Oh the parties you can't stand
With people so bland
And the fruitcakes you cannot digest
Forced to see all the dozens
Of annoying cousins
And their kids who are nothing but pests

It's the most-stress filled time of the year
When it's all said and done
We will have some more fun for we are not in fear
Cause it's now over for
Yes it's now over for
Cause it's now over for another year

***********************

FLEAS ON MY DAD

Fleas on my dad
Fleas on my dad
Fleas on my dad
From the next door neighbours dog, that's really bad

Fleas on my dad
Fleas on my dad
Fleas on my dad
From the next door neighbours dog, that's really bad

And they're not having a Merry Christmas 
And they're not having a Merry Christmas 
And they're not having a Merry Christmas 
Cause they're fumigating their house

************************

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

Said the housewife to her family
Do you see what I see?
It's the flyer for a store selling groceries
Do you see what I see?
A sale, a sale
A sale that's really great
Lamb chops on sale for $9.98
Lamb chops on sale for $9.98

Took the little kids to the grocery store
Do you buy what I buy?
Shopping for lamb chops and more
Do you buy what I buy?
No Jimmy, No Susie
You cannot have that candy
You'll spoil your appetite by dandy
You'll spoil your appetite by dandy

Take the little lamb and put it in a pot
Do you smell what I smell?
Simmer, stir until it's piping hot
Do you smell what I smell?
Delicious, nutritious
We really just can't wait
It's a lunch that feeds a family of eight
It's a lunch that feeds a family of eight

Hear the smoke detector buzzing really loud
I think my stove's on fire
The lamb is burning, that is not allowed
I think my stove's on fire
The fire's out
We're going to Plan B
We're ordering some take-out Chinese
We're ordering some take-out Chinese
We're ordering some take-out Chinese

*******************************

BLUE CHRISTMAS

I have a blue living room this morning
I should have given out a warning
My own kids found a stamp pad...now there's ink on the wall
There's blue all over the floor, and it makes me wanna bawl

I now have a blue kitchen filled with handprints
The cookie jar is blue, because my kids ate all the Thin Mints
I'm not doing all right, because my house is anything but white
Because my kids found the blue, blue, blue, blue stamp pad

I'm not doing all right, now my house is anything but white
Because my kids found the blue, blue, blue, blue stamp pad

********************************

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE I SPENT TOO MUCH

It's beginning to look like I spent too much
On Christmas gifts this year
Take a look at my pocketbook, my financial goose is cooked
And creditors will have me live in fear
It's beginning to look like I spent too much
Shopped at every store
I think it's really daft, they cut my credit card in half
Now I've hit the floor

I spent too much today at the jewelers named Kay
With payments that never end
Jetted off to Target because I had to get
The entire boxed set of "Friends"
Oh will these holiday expenses ever end?

It's beginning to look like I spent too much
My finances aren't fine
The holidays fill me with dread, my balance is in the red
I really wish that I had shopped online
It's beginning to look like I spent too much
Overloaded my cart
Oh, I swallowed a bitter pill when I saw my final bill
It almost stopped my heart

**************************************

I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe at the mall
She didn't see Daddy spy
Behind the life-size gingerbread guy
If she had spotted Daddy
She might have told Santa goodbye

Then, I saw Mommy tickling Santa Claus
Then Daddy came and punched him in the face
Oh, my Mommy made a pass
And then Daddy kicked Santa's ass
Cause he saw
Mommy kissing Santa at the mall!

Okay, that should get you started for now.  Remember, part 2 will be posted next Monday.  And believe me, I've saved the funniest parodies for last.

Tomorrow on Day #9 - A Tuesday Timeline special edition!